In Hoose Entertainment

As some of you already know, I arranged a rather large go-karting event over the weekend. Well It went well, and here’s the full story!

Warning : This post is *super* long! read a segment, make a comment then have some tea (unless you’re Alsion), then read the next segment.

and so it begins…

Pre-Karting

Woke up far too early for my hangover when insisted on making me bleary eyed and slow moving until at least 2 ibuprofen’s, a coffee and a McDonald’s breakfast later (courtesy of Mahinda who’d phoned from said establishment on his way to mine).

The reason for this was, of course, my visitation of the beer fest the night before.

Mahinda arrived around 10 or so and we made our way down to the local asda for some beer\snacks\pizza shopping.

Suitably loaded up, we make our way back to mine and collect Rosy and Jez and make our way there.

Upon arriving I’m greeted by the happy site of around 6 other cars all containing people from our group. After a short discussion they open up the place and let us in.

Upon being allowed in the arena we discovered that they’d double booked us, I had a few words which included the exchange

“If you didn’t ask for an exclusive event then we offer no guarantee”
“I did ask for an exclusive event”

cue much mumbling about how the event would be better with 10 others (it wasn’t) there, I gave them a few words and then settled down to sorting out the group.

10/15 minutes later and no-one else had yet arrived. concerned; I remembered that it may be a good idea to go and check outside, where upon 15 people looked up and I heard

“ah look, they were on time!”

from Andi, I think.

I lead them inside to sign up on our sheet and phoned around the late-comers, the main one being (of course) Brian. (more on which, soon.)

Matt Lees and Jon Roberts were two of the last people to arrive, but both comfortably on time.

I hung around waiting for Benn, Keegan & Brian. Benn was 5 minutes late (and had been less than 5mins away when he’d got lost) and they wouldn’t let him race - which was irritating… the other two were no shows I got a message arriving from keegan, and as for brian; well…..

The Story of Brian

Mike offered to pick up the two lads who were coming into the station - cue a flurry of early saturday morning text messages.

prompt replies from me, joel & mike lead to just one mystery….

What time was Brian arriving?

leaving it as a phone left at home \ switched off or simply brian asleep on a train Mike phones me around 12 pointing out that we’ve had no word from him, that he’s not there and pam, joel and himself needed to get a wriggle on if they were to arrive on time.

Finally biting the bullet around 1215 we agree that if brian turns up now he’ll have to get a cab.

Rosy, Mike, Mahinda & I are all still trying to get through to him.

1245 comes and goes with no word from the big man….

4pm, the go-karting has finished and still… no word!

by this point I’m half expecting to find him in the Lass, but

6pm comes and goes… and *still* no brian.

7pm - Rosy gets a phone call….

apparently the lanky lad had put on his best southerners drinking hat on the friday night and had gone out to get well and truely rat-arsed. Upon arriving at home he stuck on the cricket (and - at some point - hattrick!) but by 11am had passed out (he wouldn’t have made it anyway leaving at that time!)

He then woke at 5pm and spent the next two hours being sick - and then called us at 7pm with a phone call that included the now infamous line

“I’m a f****** disgrace!”

This did lead to Mahinda (in a comedy voice - more later) and Impurity (and perhaps others) leaving “You’re a f****** disgrace”) on his answer phone, and this rather amusing post by me whilst drunk at 3AM.

WHAT are you doing getting sick and hungover instead of turning up to the f****** greatest boozer in the world ever?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Why man?! Why?!

If I were you I would most certainly be hanging my head in shame!

Don’t you think so?

You’ve let yourself down there, Mate.

;)

all tongue in cheek, of course

Anyway - 31 out of 34 (a full list can be seen by viewing the results (in a seperate post)) is not bad. we donned our blue suits, and got ready to race.

The Heats

This is very much from my perspective since half the time you were racing or waiting to race so many of the heats were missed - viewing wise it was quite hard to tell who people are anyway!

Excited, we all lined up for our first taste of action with a couple of practice laps.

I am completely perturbed by the experience… Go-Karting is not how I’d imagined it! - lots of fun though I’m definitely not feeling competitive by the time my first race comes around.

Race 1

I learn that I’m going to start from pole.

My first three laps are rubbish as I start to figure out what the heck I’m doing… I drop into last place but I get some free track to figure out what I’m doing and I put a good lap in and catch up andi and wayne in front of me… too late to make a move on the final lap though Andi happily obliges and drops into the pits a lap early.

Neither Wayne nor I can quite believe it and wayne looks behind him in puzzlement, and I shrug back. I finish 4th.

between my first and second race several comedy clashes and crashes occur with only one dangerous one, when a kart plowed into the tyre wall just as the marshall was going to push someone else out of it. He had to jump out of the way sharpish - though to be fair no red lights (warning sign meaning “Go Slow!” had come on - it was a scary moment though.

Race 2

The second race wasn’t much better, but I started from 5th and ended 4th. I think this was due to someone going into the tyre wall.

Race 3

The 3rd race is when I started doing alright, started 4th. finished 3rd (I think this is the one where I held off a dertermined challenge from Dan B, and pulled out my best passing move of the day)

Race 4

I think this was my best race. I need to bring some context into it though.

Just before my fourth race the marshall called me aside as one of the organiser of the event and said that could I have a word with my fellow racer’s to stop bashing into each other. His words were something like:

“They’ve all had three races now, so they should be able to avoid the collisions, it looks like they’re just doing it for fun”

So I went around everyone and made a mental note to make sure I avoided collision in the next race.

Starting in third I knew I had Ed Lea and Jez Hook in the same race.

We were then involved in an almighty scrap for third place. unfortunately I was eased out - Usually do to having to stomp on the breaks to avoid colliding with either of the mentioned pair… A shame because otherwise I think this was my best race (my best lap of the day was the one lap I didn’t have to brake to avoid a big smash in!)

as an example - the end of the race (though this was the one avoided crash that didn’t cost me track position) I’m tailing Jez and clearly had a better speed coming out the hairpin (the one thing (seriously the only thing!) I mastered) so I’ve gone full pelt to try and take him only the guy in front of him (Ed) crashes over the start finish and into the tyre wall. Jez skids and comes to a full horizontal stop about 5 yards in front of me as I’m nearing 40mph (This was literally as jez crossed the line)

I slam on the brakes and stop inches from Jez’s car.

Could’ve been very nasty!

to be fair I’d have done well to learn to drive around people but my first instinct is to slam on the brakes (which means the guy behind get’s a chance to pass me whilst the guy I’ve stopped for will probably get away before me too). One to learn for next time!

I finish 5th :/.

Between this race and the next another incident occurs, this one involving Emma and “A bloke from the other group”

I missed it (I was using the facilities) but had reports when I got back.

Apparently the fella had passed her on a red light (not allowed) and therefore cost her track position. I didn’t see this either, but I would say that many of the other group were not racing within the spirit of the event…

Emma came storming up into the viewing gallery and literally let’s loose on this fella, I mean shouting in his face the full works. She later said that had she not been worried about losing her TKD license she would’ve broken his nose.

I arrived seconds later to a stunned silence and had the situation explained by Mike T.

This was the only real fight of the day, later on during the presentation ceremony, as the guy stepped up to take 2nd place on the podium Emma was booing and shouting stuff like “Only because he cheated” etc etc…..

AAAaaaaaaaaannyway, back to the racing.

Race 5

Heat 5 rolled along and was pretty much a non-event. As chance would have it we’d all be placed in order of our fastest laps, so none of us challenged each other and it was all very comfortable.

I got a yellow flag after a quick first lap for burning the clutch. I pretty much took it easy around the rest of the track since 3rd was miles behind and I was a fair way behind 1st - I regret that now as I reckon had I pushed it I may have just nabbed a 26er.

started 2nd. Finished 2nd.

racing over for most of us we change out of our blue suits and await the finals.

we start discussing about how many of us Cannot Wait to Do This Again.

me, Definitely Included.

Finals

Some other notable performances included:

Pete Gould - At one point had the fastest lap until Matt Lees found his form, despite some storming performances finished 13th overall and missed out on a finals place

Emma Sutphakdee - Top Girl, by a looooong way

Pam Ward, Sarah Midgely - For both aiming to get under 30 second laps, only to manage getting under 29 seconds as well

then the finals

the names are read out.

B-Team Finalists… start your engines!

Adam Hebden (starting 6th)
Ross Connell (pole)
Wayne Field (3rd)
Mahinda (5th)
+two random people.

Ross storms off with a blistering start and is never challenged. he romps home to first with some great lap times.

Similarly Adam finds it difficult to pass, and finishes 6th, though not by a long way.

Wayne and Mahinda collide on the last corner as Mahinda is lining up second place - unlucky rather than anything else - and basically this loses them both the chance of a podium finish. Wayne corrects first and finishes 4th, Mahinda, despite some storming laps previously comes in 5th.

Some of the quality in this race frightens me, but it pales compared to two driving exhibitions that take place in the A final.

the names are read out;

Matt Lees (pole)
Allan Fairle-Clarke (4th)
Jon Roberts (5th)

Matt zooms off into the lead and no one can catch him. The ex-semi-pro karting driver shows his quality and wins at a canter. A deserved champion.

Allan F-C is taken out in the first lap, on the second corner by the guy starting in third. (not one of us) Jon and another fella zoom past, whilst the guy whose taken him out drops to fifth but is largely unaffected.

The marshall comes over to kick him out of the tyre wall and Allan is back racing, but half a lap (at least) behind.

2 or 3 laps later I looked down and noticed that the gap was smaller. Allan was catching up, and not slowly either…

2 laps later on and he’s on the tail of 5th…

he takes him, and then starts closing in on 4th!

2 or 3 laps later, and he’s taken that too! (Jon *was* 4th, finished 5th)

3rd is still too far ahead, but a stunning drive landed Allan 4th place, the biggest cheer of the day (when he overtook the guy who took him out in the first place) and “memorable drive of the day”. Top bombing.

this final also saw 2nd and 3rd have a long battle which eventually ended with 3rd taking 2nd with 3 laps to go. As he passed he gave his opponent the w***** sign, though to my eyes all he’d done was protect his position.

The guy who finished 2nd was the one who’d pissed emma off earlier too….!

Onto the presentations and Matt and Ross take their well deserved dues. Unfortunately 2nd and 3rd in both races were taken by people from the “Other” group, it would’ve been great to have an exclusive event I reckon - but it was still absolutely fantastic.

We finished with a huge group shot, as Andi struggled under my weight (I will link to the picture when I get it online - it’s blurry but decent!)

we step outside and rapidly sort out the cars - a group or two to my place, a group or two to hotels and a few people straight off to the lass.

A fine event.

But the day was not over yet!

Post Karting

A quick trip home, only blighted by the lack of my camera, which I’d misplaced during my final “Collect Money-athon” which saw everyone pay in full except one person (someone owe’s me £15 still…) It turned out that Jez had it all along!

Andi, Rosy, Toby, Adrian, Emma, Jez, Jon, Adam and non-racer Matt (Earl_CG) all piled round my place.

a quick viewing of the watch indicated that the England match was kicking off in less than 5 minutes, and therefore that we had absolutely no chance of making it to the pub in time.

We stayed, therefore, got changed if necessary and ate some pizza (which rosy cooked) we started on the beers and watched a fine first half which ended with the scores level.

the cab arrived at half-time.

or rather, it was supposed to.

The minibus took 15 minutes longer than it should’ve done and went the slowest route (not the longest though!) to the Lass by trapsing down oxford road and thereby encountering the lights of rusholme.

the net result of this was

— Much whinging from Andiell
— missing the first 15 mins of the second half. This included the argies 2-1 goal :/

so we finally got to the lass to watch the last half hour, what a great game!

Crouch was getting cheers everytime he touched the ball, and Owen’s late winner ensured general happiness.

By this point there were so many of us in the pub… other latecomers included Ben, Anders & Jird - they were certainly ones that I saw but there could’ve been any number of people there!

I then watched the rugby league whilst chatting to a couple of the guys (we heavily beat new zealand. Which was nice) before heading to the bar to talk to a load of others. It was generally great.

Mahinda left sometime early to go meet up with another group, but before he did something amusing happened to his speech.

He was, in fact, rapidly losing his voice, leading to some very amusing pub banter, what I can only assume is a very amusing phone message on brian’s phone and basically just general amusement.

By the time Mahinda came back to the pub his voice had gotten even worse… as a quick chat to withington-resident Natalie showed!

A bunch of us then made it down to fifth ave.

We went early, to avoid disappointment.

Inside, and for the second club night in a row, I discovered one of my students. This is not a good thing. What is a worse thing is when one of your mates goes and tries to pull her. The exchange was something like:

Andi “Hi!”
Girl “I’m afraid I can’t talk to you because your friend is my tutor!”
Andi “Ok” *notes boyfriend turning up and swiftly departs*

I cannot remember much more to be honest, though there was plenty of drinking, plenty of dancing, and many people leaving early.

the latter of which lead me to searching for Jez for about half an hour before recieving a phone call.

“Where are you”
“Don’t Know!”
“What can you see”
“Bush, Bush, Tree, Road, Bus, Tree, Owens Park, Bush, Tree, Road, Bus, Bus”
“Hang on, Owens park?”
“Yeah, Owen’s Park, Bush, Tree, Tree King Kebab.”
“King Kebab?”
“Yeah, Bus, Bus, Tree, Pizza Champion…. ooooh! Pizza Champion… I’m going for pizza!”
“Ok, go there and wait there til I find you”

which I then did.

Home - More Beer - tv….

A poker game started up (one which I was just too late to join :/) and went on… and on…. and on….

particularly memorable was Ben passing out as dealer, leaving me to the last two competitors (Mahinda and Andi) and a whole load of:

“check… check…. check…. check…..check…..check…..check”

ARGH!

finally the game finished and, of course, the poker professional won - Mahinda.

Bed swiftyly followed - around 430AM. Had I been more awake I’d have probably stayed up later and watched the cricket! I’m not sure whether this would’ve been a good thing….

The Morning After

Tea\Tea\Cricket\Tea and then a bunch of us went down to get a hattrick breakfast.

Much needed.

Tiredness sets in and I go through rehearsal for “Rock Trial” before spending a quiet night in.

Great weekend.

Cheers to everyone who turned up and helped to make it so memorable!!

Cheers to everyone who’s managed to read the entire report - I’m genuinely impressed!